The struggle is real. And I’m not even joking.
In a world fueled by sex, being asexual does not even register with the majority of the people.
Basically everyone wants to fuck someone at some point.
Beer, sport, fitness, and whatnot, is sold with sex. As a dude, if you don’t want to fuck, you are less of a man. As a woman, you are a frigid bitch. The world revolves around fucking.
And yes, we are basically programmed to procreate. But the human species is now accepting, that heterosexuality isn’t all there is to it, and embracing bi and gay too, maybe we should understand that NOT having sex is also a reality.
People like to say ‘ years ago there were no gays, this is a new thing’. Eh, no.
Being gay has been around since forever. (I’m really not going to lay down education about this here). Only recently, people have been more able (read: not beaten up/killed) to be openly gay. So, more and more people are coming out of the closet. Also, more and more people are realising, that being gay is a normal thing. They don’t have to spend their lives miserable, because they married the socially acceptable partner, and are now stuck with them.
Same now, with asexuality.
The current estimate is that up to 3% of the population is asexual. More and more people end up identifying as asexual, as they come to understand what it means.
However, once you’ve embraced your sexuality, you have to face society as a whole. And not just straight people. In the LGBTI community we are treated like lepers basically. With many LGBTI people saying we do not belong to the Queer group at all. We are less accepted than the Bi people, and they are NOT popular.
I basically realised that I am asexual, after many many years of struggling to understand why I can never keep up with my partner’s sexual needs. I thought there was something wrong with me. I thought I had psychological issues. Saw shrinks. I look libido enhancing pill. Tried Tantra. But, in the end, it was a deal-breaker every time. I didn’t want to fuck my partner. Not that I didn’t love and adore them with every fibre of my being. I simply didn’t want to make whoopee with them.
It was a hard journey, with many, many tears, loads of heartbreak. But, once I embraced it, I found peace. I had a really super therapist who helped me calm my fears about being alone. Now, I prefer my own company. So it worked out ok in the end.
However, I encounter, more often than I would like, people who think that my asexuality is something I’m hiding behind. That I’m broken, or scared. That I’m putting up a front. Or playing hard to get.
And turns out, I’m not the only one encountering this.
Some regular things I get told:
You just haven’t met the right person yet.
Eh. no. I’ve dated dudes, chicks. I’ve dated across the color line. I’ve dated hippies, athletes, artists. I’ve dated younger and older than me. NONE of them, I wanted to fuck.
I’ve had flings too. And they were fun. But not a single one of them had me creaming myself.
So, I think, I can safely say, that in my 17 odd years of dating, if I hadn’t somewhere found someone that I wanted to fuck, that I am the common denominator. It’s not them, it’s me.
Did something happen to you as a kid? like, were you molested?
Initially, I had thought so too. I had seen shrinks, had regression therapy. Nothing. NO bad-touch uncles. NO rapey teenage boys. I have no PTSD for sexual stuff. No triggers. Nada.
You must have had some really bad sex lol!
Again. Nope. I’ve had sex with pretty much everyone I dated. At least once. I tried my best to keep my partners happy. And none of them were bad. They were perfectly capable of delivering the goods. But. I would much rather have been walking the dog, than bonking. Which is not the best for anyone’s ego, I’m sure. I loved all my partners with all my heart. But, you know, if the feeling aint there, then it simply aint there.
But you are so hot, how can you not like sex?
I’ve actually had someone say this to me. How these two are even related, I have no idea.
Which makes me think, then, are ugly chicks being asexual, accepted then? But hot chicks, not? Like, if you are fuckable, then you can’t be asexual?
Which leads me to the arguments I’ve heard for lesbians. If a fat/butch/ugly woman is gay, then she’s turned to women because no man would have her. Does the same logic apply to asexuals too then?
If you are not fuckable, then it’s ok to be asexual. But if I want to hit that, then you can’t be asexual, and you are just being difficult/have issues/etc.
That’s fucked up.
Having to deal with being asexual is hard enough without being told you are liar.
So, how do you even date?
Personally, I don’t date. Not anymore. The logistics in trying to maintain the relationship is just too much work. And even if they say they can manage without sex, they really, really, REALLY, can not.
Other asexuals manage though. They agree to have sex how many ever times to keep their partner happy. Or they have an agreement for their partner to have sex outside of the relationship.
I point I want to make, however, is that intimacy is not just sex. And I think the great majority of the human species only know to have intimacy via sex.
Men will only allow themselves to be vulnerable when they have their dick on someone. Women feel loved and connected when the have a sweating man on them. (this is how I imagine it in any case).
But, I did some research on Tantra a few years ago, and intimacy is SO not about sex. So, technically, you can have a wonderfull relationship without physical sex. If your partner needs the physical release of an orgasm, then he can have a wank, or find a partner outside of the relationship.
Personally, I find egos too fragile to deal with this, so I just avoid entanglements alltogether.
I’ve read accounts of teenagers coming out to their parents as being asexual, and their parents telling them it’s ‘just a phase’.
When you are in conversation with your mates, and they are going on about how they want to suck that hot dude off, and you are like *crickets*. Asexuals don’t get it, at all.
Why do you want to suck him off? What possible benefit is there in it? Won’t your jaw get tired? Doesn’t it taste weird?
In all my life, I have never looked at a penis and went: oh my fucking god, I need that in my mouth, right now! they are weird looking things, that smell odd. and I’m pretty sure asexual and gay dudes feel the same way about vaginas.
and honestly, i find vaginas are kinda weird too. i’m used to my own, but other people’s just need to not be anywhere near my face.
I had a friend who used to refer to ‘velociraptor sex’. like, crazy monkey sex where you would tear each other’s clothes off and bonk on the kitchen table.
I have no idea what that even means. My brain can think, ok, you are so horny you physically cannot be without sex for another second. But I cannot imagine what it would be like. I have never experienced it. My brain does not have the capacity to process that idea for me.
Even the idea of hours long love-making sessions is annoying to me. What are we going to do for hours and hours? Cuddle? Watch movies? oh, have sex.
Well, can’t we just watch movies and build pillow forts instead? I really don’t see the need for hours and hours of touching each other’s genitalia.
Now, try and explain that to your friends around a dinner table. Or try and explain that to someone who wants to date you. Or people who want to set you up with their friend.
How to tell a guy you are interested in that, hey dude, I really like you, and we can cuddle and make out, but we can’t have sex.
It really doesn’t work.
I’ve been called a frigid bitch. A cock-tease. Been told I’m playing hard to get. That I’m leading men on.
Sure, I love to flirt. The word-games, the silliness of it. A little bit of attention. But I still don’t want your dick in me. No matter how good a kisser you are, I have no desire for you to eat me out. I will be making grocery lists while you do in any case. Or eventually fake it so you can just stop allready.
Point I’m making is: It’s really damn hard to be asexual, in a world that doesn’t give you any understanding or compassion, at all. Being gay is borderline fashionable now. But being asexual makes you the weirdo in the room. At least gay guys want to fuck SOMETHING.
There is probably some kind of psychology behind why people find it so abhorrent. Maybe they think that this person is just unattractive to them (which is true, but not because they are not a good-looking or sexy person). Maybe that really freaks people out, that no matter what they do, this asexual person will never even think of them in a sexual manner. Maybe that is really hard to take in. I don’t know, I’m merely speculating. I don’t have enough experience being in that mindspace to say.
One thing I find personally unsettling (being asexual), is people thinking of me in a sexual manner. I don’t know how other asexuals find it.
People who refer to me as sexy, actually makes me super uncomfortable. Being regarded as an object of sexual interest, is just weird to me. I suppose it’s because I don’t see other people that way. I would imagine that if I had to think of people in a sexual manner, and that action was returned, I would feel flattered. I suppose that’s the purpose of giving someone a sexual compliment.
The affirmation of: hey! I’d fuck you!
That is ground-zero of nope for me. So much of not wanting.
It’s really not easy being asexual. You basically have to give a disclaimer every time someone wants to take you out for a drink. Otherwise they might want to take it further, and you have to be a dick, and tell them they will never have sex with you.
Having to constantly explain yourself to dis-credulous people. Having to get into arguments with people who claim to know your sexuality better than you do. Having to listen to them tell you which shrink to go to. People telling you that you must just ‘give it another chance’.
The reality of dying alone, is very real to me. And it’s ok. I really don’t mind. I like being alone. I prefer my own company any day.
But for a lot of asexuals, the thought that they will be alone forever, is really heartbreaking. They would love nothing more than to just have a normal relationship, but they can’t. There are no pills to take. No therapy. You can’t turn it off.
And I’m sure there are loads of asexuals who would love nothing more than to just be ‘normal’.